I was out with my faimly (I can't believe I went outside O.o) And After visiting walmart and publix, I was sent into Winn-Dixie to buy some of their beans for tommorow. (Barbequeing, not a barbeque.). As I reached the Deli area where they were located, I stumbled upon two men who, after bumping into them again, seemed to be a gay couple. I 'm not sure why, but I just...tensed up. I got nervous and looked around alot.(maybe then thought I thought they were wierd) But then again that always happens when I see gay people in public while out with my family.
But why? Why do I always get so nervous when I see them?
Maybe I'll never know, but I continue on. Secondly, I'm still not completely comfortable with my sexuality. I mean, I enjoy boys, but I not ready for one of my own, or even any kind of sex. (but i think that's ok.) and Third, I worry how my mother reacts to them. I always seem to project how she'll act towars them as how she wants to act towards me. (which is true.) How will she act once I find someone and settle down? will she be happy? or still kind of sad. I know that she ultimately just wants me to be happy, but her verion or my version of my happiness? Looking at it in perspective I see the crossover into full fledged gaydom, or adulthood in general, as becoming a butterfly. we start out as caterpillars, unsure of who we are or the kind of person we want to be or the impact we want to have in the community(I personally want to write gay novels that have characters in which their sexuality doesn't define the whole of who they are, but rather as another facet of them.). We have a ajustment period, our coccoon, in which we lay until we are ready to emerge, sure of ourselves and who we are.
As I see it right now, I'm still in mid-transformation, figuring out just who I am. Who knows how long it will take for me to 'finish' and emerge in a mindset that won't worry about who I am, but will instead not worry about it so much and a person who'll just be able to enjoy life. And although I want to rush this transformation, at the same time I want it to just run its course. I may have felt uncomfortable or nervous today, but i won't always feel that way. Yep, i can't wait to emerge, so that I may join in the experience that is life, gay or not.
(Wow, prolific.) Well that's all for today.